Category: Humour

16 Common Phrases In The News And What They Actually Mean

Authored by The Babylon Bee

As everyone knows, the news media knows what’s best for us and they always tell the truth. The only problem is that they use really big and complicated words that we simple folk just don’t understand. How will you ever keep up? Well, don’t worry! We prepared this special translation guide just for you, so the next time you’re watching the news you’ll be able to follow along!

1) “Debunked conspiracy theory” = a completely factual event that is 100% true and we don’t like it

2) “This is dangerous misinformation” = we don’t really agree with it but people are still sharing it

3) “Farm animal bacterial infection treatment” = penicillin

4) “Conservative panelist” = guy who once voted for Ronald Reagan, possibly by mistake

5) “Super-spreader event” = gatherings of people we don’t like

6) “This is the end of democracy” = Trump said a thing

7) “Settled science” = a non-reviewed study by a possibly fictitious organization that just came out this morning

8) “Widespread outrage” = 3 people on Twitter got mad

9) “Racist statements” = literally means nothing

10) “Informal gathering of like-minded people that fosters a sense of camaraderie and community among friends and neighbors” = bread lines

11) “Zero” = anywhere from zero to several trillion

12) “Republicans pounce” = uh oh… a Democrat raped someone

13) “Mostly peaceful” = it was hyper-violent but we agree with it

14) “Racist dog whistle” = a super-secret whistle that only racists can hear and only we heard it

15) “Anonymous sources” = we totally made this up

16) “This is an apple” = this is a banana

https://babylonbee.com/news/the-babylon-bee-presents-the-official-mainstream-media-translator

7 Signs Your Kid Might Be Learning CRT At School

More satire from the Babylon Bee: https://babylonbee.com/news/7-signs-your-kid-might-be-learning-crt-at-school

We all know that CRT is simply the honest teaching of American history. It’s also a niche legal theory that is only taught in college. It’s also an arbitrary label that racists use to slander everything they don’t like. It’s also the only way to make sure your elementary school kids don’t grow up thinking slavery is good. Wow! Are you confused? You probably are. Whiteness has that effect on people. We’re here to help.So how can you know your kids are being taught CRT in school?

Here are the 7 signs:

1) They call your boss to tell how racist you are: If your kid tries to get you canceled because you perpetuate systems of oppressive whiteness by treating all races equally–which is totally racist– they might be learning CRT.

2) They segregate all their stuffed animals by fur color: Kids who have been taught CRT know the value of creating segregated, decolonized spaces for their stuffies of color to play without white harassment.

3) They come home with purple hair and a ‘Kill All Men’ tattoo: This look is the standard issue for kids who believe all the tenets of CRT.

4) They try to get out of math homework by telling you math is racist: Well, it is. So why are you making them do it, you racist boomer?

5) They refuse to eat on Taco Tuesday due to cultural appropriation: Literally every white ally of social justice knows that enjoying any aspect of another culture that doesn’t belong to your own is racist. Segregate those cultures, Mom and Dad!

6) They ask all their minority classmates to bully them: Are they white? Then they deserve it!

7) They explain over dinner how Marxist ideology is a potent and effective tool for infiltrating all aspects of modern civilization– including culture, religion, economy, and government– in order to dismantle the established order and topple the bourgeois: Wow! so true! If your kid exhibits any of these signs, they’re on their way! Give them a salute, Comrade!